My heart has been battered. This is what William tells me, what my guides tell me.

There’s a tendency to disregard such an idea. We’ve all had hurts. We’ve all had struggles. But now disregarding the state of my heart is beginning to feel like denying myself. So maybe it’s true. Maybe my heart has been battered.

What does it mean that my heart has been battered? I’m finding it doesn’t mean what I might have presumed. I’m beginning to wonder if the discomfort I feel emotionally so much of the time is not an attempt to boot the energy of whatever arises in the way of feeling out of my heart. I’m starting to understand that it belongs there. There, in my heart. And if I don’t allow it into my heart, I can’t “transmute” it, as William suggests. Maybe I’m an alchemist after all.

I got some very good, focused guidance on how to approach times past where I’ve blocked my heart from feeling. My task is now to go back to those times and repair… repair the heart, disperse the energy of the feeling that still hangs around me. But I am also getting additional advice on how to begin allowing my heart to open, to accept the energy of uncomfortable feelings, to draw them inside and turn them around.

The very last thing I’ve ever been inclined to do is pull an uncomfortable feeling inside myself. The thought is kind of repugnant. It’s frightening and it seems counter-intuitive to me. But a flash of wisdom comes to me that this is how to diffuse the power, to prevent the energies of things I don’t want to feel from getting “stuck” in my field – where they can harrass me forever.

So much of the energy I feel over the past few years has no specific source or name. I feel irritable. I feel uncomfortable. I feel angry or emotionally raw or anxious, and I don’t know why. I can’t draw a parallel to anything going on in my life, although the feelings tend to pile up and pull in more of the same. How many days have I woken up with a vague feeling of dread and had to give myself a pep talk in order to believe I can get through my day? How many times have I hoped that whatever is bothering me will pass through and the sun might come out in an hour or two? Honestly, this hope, knowing things can change so quickly, has so often been the only thing that gets me to put one foot in front of the other, heading out into the world I am “supposed” to inhabit.

My insight for today is that I don’t need to know why these energies float around me, and more important, I don’t even need to “own” them. I don’t have to accept them as belonging to me. I don’t have to get to the root of them. I don’t have to analyze them. I don’t have to overcome them. And I don’t have to protect myself from them – at least not in the way I’ve always imagined I should, the way I’ve always tried to. I don’t have to fight them. I don’t have to hedge against them. I don’t have to struggle to keep them out of my field.

Here’s what my guides suggested this morning: draw them in.

WHAT?! I don’t want them in! I want them out! I want them away! I want to work with the idea of why they’ve come. I want to understand how to make them go. It’s not that I need an easy solution – in fact, the struggle has often been colossal. But draw them in? Why, in god’s name, would I want to do that?

But I’m learning to trust, and I’m learning how to move energy. So I imagine the feeling, the discomfort as an energy. And rather than seeing it as an attacking force, something to block, I somehow stepped outside my fear (it helps that the discomfort was vague and mild – baby steps, you know) and… *gulp* … mentally pulled the feeling right into the middle of my chest.

How can I explain the trust it takes for me to do this? I can think of a gross example, but it’s rather accurate, so I’m gonna go with it. Imagine you’ve just taken the biggest, smelliest shit of your life. Instead of flushing it away, reach down, grab it, and smear it all over yourself.


(I’ll give you a moment to get over that image.)

Here’s the interesting part. It really wasn’t that bad. In fact, it felt no worse than trying to keep it out, to make it be something else, to figure it out, to think my way through it. Once that feeling was in the center of my chest, I imagined (as I’ve learned to do) a bright white light (which represents pure unconditional love as we rarely experience it here on Earth) moving from above my crown to the center of my chest. The white light surrounds the feeling energy, envelops it, embraces it, accepts it, and gently swirls around it. I imagine the uncomfortable feeling as a dark mist, and as the white light mixes with it, it becomes lighter and lighter.

And then it feels better. It really does.

Day 1 – insight and inspiration.
Day 2 through infinity – practice, practice, practice.

I feel like I’ve finally been shown what to do with a basketball. Don’t try to stand on it. Bounce it. Like this. Shoot it. Like this. Am I a basketball player yet? No, but at least I’ve gained the insight that standing on the ball has nothing to do with the game I want to play. And that knowledge is power.